GREEN IDEAS
WELLNESS
Alex Rosenblum
E-RYT 500, YACEP, RCYT
ACE Personal Trainer
Certified Plant-based Holistic Nutritionist
So--- I had this page up on this website for a long time, and then I took it down, for lots of reasons, but I've decided (again- for LOTS of reasons) that I need to have it back up. This FAQ has changed over time as my experiences with gender have changed, so if you are re-reading this and it has changed- welcome back! Glad to see you again!
So, here, once again, are some-
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS about TRANSGENDER STUFF
or-
TRANS FAQS (for non-TRANS folks)
"Wait, so, you're just a guy now? WHAT?! That doesn't make sense. You can't just choose what you are!"
This is the most common (negative) reaction I get from people in my past.
There's a LOT to unpack here. Let's start at the beginning.
"You're just a guy now?" Yeah, yup.... So, I am male, yes. When I describe myself, I say that I am male; I am a man. I check the box M on EVERY single document. I might call myself a 'transgender man', sometimes, but honestly I don't refer to my transness (I don't think thats a word) very much. Because mostly it feels a little bit like its in my past. So, yeah. I'm JUST a guy now. It's who I am.
But, and maybe more to the point I think people are trying to ask- I am male; Male is my gender. That's my 'gender identity.' Your gender identity is your internal sense of self, whether that's masculine, feminine, or some combination or lack therof. I think of myself as male (whatever that means). For me, its actually really weird thing to analyze the way that you are being yourself WHEN you are thinking about being yourself for any extended period of time.... It's a bit of a mind mess...
So much of who we are is who we are IN RELATION to other people. How we are seen by others, how we go through the world. I exist in the world as male. I refer to myself as male, I use he/him pronouns.... I feel MALE. If I try to think of myself as a woman- it feels WRONG. Or- sort of like putting on a costume. I tried for a long time (36 years) to "be" a girl, then a young lady, then a woman, because thats what EVERYTHING told me I was- my body, the world, the doctor- everything. I tried everything I could to control and change my body and make it into something that felt "right-er", including years of disordered eating, obsessive exercise, drug use, piercings, tattoos and drinking. (not all of those things are bad things- I LOVE my tattoos, they are just ALSO examples of ways that I, personally, tried to cope with having a body that didn't ever make sense to me).
Anyway... Some people never think about their gender- because most people's gender identify is the same as the sex they were assigned at birth, and so nothing ever seemed really weird or off. Those people - the people whose sex assigned at birth matches their internal sense of gender- are cisgender. (That word- cisgender- just means they aren't transgender. It's like saying a syllable that isn't accented is unaccented, or that a plant thats not a perennial is a non-perennial. It's just a term to describe something. ).
People like ME- whose gender identity and the sex they were assigned at birth DON'T match- are transgender. Transgender, as a term, can encompass a lot of things. For me, technically, I am binary-transgender, meaning I was assigned Female at birth (AFAB) but my gender identity is Male- so my gender and sex fall into the traditional (and relatively simple) sex binaries of Male and Female. Some trans people don't fit into this binary model, either because their gender isn't either male or female, or because they are intersex, or because the way they present and exist in the world isn't simply male or female, or for some other reason. So, in that way, the transgender umbrella can encompass nonbinary and gender nonconforming folks as well. It's a big, beautiful, rainbow of a family.
"That doesn't make sense." Well... Lots of things don't make sense at first, or are confusing or maybe seem a bit weird, but that doesn't mean they are not true or real. Its really important to remember that just because something isn't YOUR or MY experience, doesn't mean it isn't 100% true and real for someone else. The world is a huge place, of course people will have experiences of themselves that will vary from person to person. I once saw a great video that showed the variation in bone structure in humans. If you line up to femurs (hip bones) you'll see a HUGE variation in the insertion angle into the pelvis, which can affect a ton of things about the way that person moves- the way they place their feet when they walk, how far they can open their hips, what kind of back pain they might ever get, how much flexibility they have- which might lead to choices in their life.... and so on and so on... And that is just ONE BONE. But it's a good example, because it is something we can't see from the outside, but it affects the way we move and exist in the world in a huge way. We know that femurs, pelvises, and sex organs don't come just one way, like "the male way" and the "female way"- just about everything in the body exists on a huge spectrum- why would gender be any different? We don't always understand things, but that doesn't mean they aren't true or valid.
"You can't just choose what you are!" OK. I don't really agree. You can choose to be lots of things- and you should. Throughout your life you should be over and over choosing to be the person YOU WANT TO BE. A better person. The best version of yourself. You should choose to be happy, to help others, to exist in the world in a way that helps the world be a better place whenever you can be. You should do things that support your happiness as long as they aren't hurting other people. Period. BUT, for the sake of easiness, let's say I DID agree with you and Let's say one can not just choose what we are. OK, fine. That's fine- because I did not CHOOSE to be transgender. The only choice I made was to ACT on the knowledge that I am transgender. I chose to tell people and to medically and socially transition in front of my family and friends, once I personally acknowledged it to myself, rather than hide it. I AM transgender- I can't do anything about that; I was born the way I was born. BUT- I did chose to have surgeries to make my body feel more aligned with the way I feel inside. I chose to have my drivers license changed to show that I am male, so that every time I have to show it I don't have to explain myself to a stranger and put myself in danger. I choose every day how I dress to present in the way that feels most comfortable for me. Those are all choices I made. But being transgender- THAT PART wasn't a choice. I could choose to ignore it, but why?
Right after I came out a person I love said to me, well, about me "When I was young, we just took what we got and dealt with it." And it made me really sad. Because that statement showed me that this person KNEW that I was unhappy before transitioning, knew that I was worse off, and thought I should have stayed that way anyway. That person would rather I was unhappy in the closet but still a "woman", than happy and a transgender man.
I hope you- YOU RIGHT NOW reading this!- I hope YOU also make choices every day that make you feel good or great, or at least OK in your skin. I hope when you look in the mirror, you feel good. I hope you feel beautiful or proud when you look at yourself, truly. If the clothes you put on make you feel a bit better- if putting on a suit and tie makes you feel stronger walking into work, or the heels you love make you feel like a badass, or a little mascara does it, or getting plastic surgery makes you just feel BETTER, thats your choice. And my surgeries, my decisions, were my choices. To feel more OK with my body.
And honestly, everyone does that, all the time- not just trans people, of course. Cisgender people AND trans people make gender-affirming choices with our clothes, our presentation and body-modifying surgeries ALL THE TIME. Most of the surgeries trans people get, cis people also get. Most of the gender affirming things trans people do, cis people ALSO do. Cisgender women get breast implants, wear wigs, dye their hair, get waxed, get threaded, buy ballgowns for galas (just like drag queens!gasp! think of the children!), wear makeup, get nosejobs and lip filler. Cisgender men get penile enlargements, dye their hair, grow out beards, strength train for hypertrophy, compete as body builders, drink protein shakes, get breast reductions, fake muscle implants, ab etching, and have voice lowering procedures ALL to feel more comfortable in their bodies. These are all examples of gender affirming choices (or at least they can be). They are just affirming CISgender people, so we don't think of them as gender-affirming. But they ARE- And there is nothing wrong with that. We all do it!
Trans people actually make the same choices about our gender that cisgender people do. These are choices we all make constantly about how we want to be seen in the world. Everything is a choice, whether you realize it or not. There's just more attention drawn to these choices when they are being made by trans people. We all choose how we want to BE in the world. Theres no shame in that! (Or at least, there shouldn't be). We all need to recognize that we do things to make ourselves comfortable in our bodies, and just because someone else's choices might look different, that doesn't mean it is not OK, or not real, or valid, or worth respecting.
"People are either Male or Female. You either have XX or XY Chromosomes and thats that."
Most people are born and the doctors take a look at their external genitalia and put them into one of two categories- Male or Female. But it isn't that simple. Genitalia is sometimes/often more complicated than either simply male or female, and so are chromosomes. And no one looks into your chromosomes when you are born anyway! There are a lot of people walking around that think they are cisgender men or women who do not have xz or xx chromosomes. The human body has great variety! About 1 in 100 Americans, and 2% of the world's population are intersex, making it more common than redheads or identical twins....
Speaking of Intersex-
"You either have a penis or a vagina! "
Not necessarily true, and also overly reductive.
1. Intersex people often have internal or external sex organs that are not clearly definitively male or female. So, anytime someone says " You are either Male or Female"- it just simply isn't true. Sex, and sex organs, both internal organs, external organs, and the way that secondary sexual characteristics manifest, is much more complicated than that. I don't know if some people just don't know that sometimes babies are born and the anatomy just isn't clearly male or female. There is a spectrum between the parts. Grow a clitoris large enough, and its a lot like a penis. There may be "female" external sex organs and "male" internal sex organs- Testicles can hide in the body and never be found unless you had reason to look. Chromosomes can vary from the typical XX and XY. Testosterone or estrogen levels can vary out of "normal" ranges all the time and unless you are checking for it, you just wouldn't know. The statement "People are born either male or female" just entirely ignores the existence of intersex people- AT BEST (YIKES)- or treats them as some sort of medical anomaly or disorder. Intersex people are not abnormal, and it's not a disorder, disease, or condition. There are essentially as many intersex people in the world as people that live in Japan! It's just another way that genitals, chromosomes, or reproductive organs exists in the world besides the M/F binary. Like I said above, the human body comes in lots of different ways- we don't just have LONG arms or SHORT arms, we have everything in between. Same for most things. Think spectrum.....
2. A few questions to just push gently for why the binary doesn't work: If you really say, (and I don't agree, but lets just SAY) well no matter what, if someone doesn't have a penis they aren't a man, then what about a cis man who had an accident where he lost it? Does he suddenly become a woman? Or, if you say, well, you have to have a vagina to be a woman, I am honestly asking- why? what does a vagina give you? And if the vagina is the defining characteristic of a woman (god help us if we have reduced a person to a body part), why that one part? Is it because of periods? What if you never got one? Are girls not women? Are older women no longer women? Still a woman, or not? OR- Is it because of the whole childbirth thing? AND if yes- what about women who can't have children? Are they no longer women? I'm asking for real becuase I want to understand. If womanhood is defined by a body part, why? And women- doesn't this sort of upset you? Like, you're only a woman because you come attached to labia and a vagina? Really? THATS what makes you a woman?
3. Or if you are the person who says (and this has NEVER made sense to me) "G-d doesn't make mistakes"- Um. Ok, I'll play along. You can say that. And also G-d made Trans people, and Intersex people. And you are correct. We are not a mistake.
This is the "other" reaction I get when people first find out I am (gasp) trans, from people who never knew me "before".
"Wait, you were a girl? WHAT?! I can ALWAYS tell when someone is transgender and I could NOT tell with you!"
This is the OTHER most common reaction I get (NOW). I * think people think they are being kind, but, again- there is a lot to unpack here.
Let's start at the beginning.
1. I was NOT a girl/woman before. I was always male, I was just 'mis-labled' at birth. Like a can of peas that had the wrong pasted on it.
2. I PROMISE you, you can not always 'tell'. First- how would you even know? Are you asking every single person you see about their personal gender history? No, of course not.
Lots of transgender people choose to medically and socially transition into cis-normative society and then rarely speak about their transition again, for LOTS of reasons, none of which are anyone else's business. They live and work next to you, get married, have children, and no one ever knows they are transgender, because it is just a part of their past that they, for whatever reason, want to, and are able to (because they transitioned at a different/younger age, and/or are so easily seen by people as the gender that they feel that they are) keep in their past. And that is fine. There is a term for this, it's called "being stealth", or "stealth".
I am, for all extents and purposes, partial stealth. I came out late in life, at 36, after giving birth to children through a female body. At the places I work, there are a few people who knew me BEFORE i actually began transitioning- they knew me when I wore female clothes, used 'she/her' pronouns, etc. (and for a while I identified as non-binary and used they/them pronouns so some people knew me through that short time as well). But becuase of that, becuase i was an adult, who was married and settled with a job and children when I came out- I could not just start over from scratch. It means a lot of people already know I am trans wherever I go. And there is nothing I can do about that. BUT, I have been transitioning for 7 years now, I look like a man, I get seen as a man wherever I go, I dress like a man- and a lot of people I interact with on a daily basis (in the fitness industry there are a lot of new people in classes etc) did not know me 7 years ago. So there are also a lot of people who DO NOT KNOW. And I don't really talk about it at all. Why? Honestly it just doesn't come up that much. So- I live a sort of semi-stealth life. Where my trans-ness (not a word) is sort-of a secret, but not REALLY a secret.
But before we go further, let's talk about the word stealth.
Even as I sit here and type the word "stealth" I have weird feelings about it. Here's why.
First, a little more information about transitioning. It's not like we trans folk wake up one da and say- hey I want to be a dude or lady, and then the next day you're Michael B Jordan or Emma Stone. Transition takes a REALLY long time- think how long PUBERTY lasts (so, seriously.... yeeeeeaaaaaars). Its looooong, and awwwwwkward, and just yucky. And, WAHOO- if you're UNlucky enough to have already undergone the 'wrong' puberty (like me), your body probably looks like what most people would associate with the sex you were assigned at birth (AB).
So... take me for example, I came out at 36. I went through female puberty, of course. I am 5'9", but I was a smaller big woman in terms of weight, close to 120 pounds, so when I first began transitioning I did not get seen as male (I did not "pass"), because I was so slight of build. And then, it took almost 5 years on testosterone before I saw any facial hair. So I was a 41 year old man who weighed 130 lbs on a good day and looked like I was essentially a teenager. I literally got mistaken for a high schooler MULTIPLE times when picking up my children- MY high school-aged CHILDREN- from school. I worked really hard to put on muscle and I generally dress in a stereotypically masculine way, but you can't make your face into a shape that it isn't (actually you can, sort of, with surgeries, but only slightly).
Only now, quite a few YEARS later, do I regularly and without trouble get seen as male wherever I go. People always treat me as male without thinking about it and no one questions it. This is called "passing", or "being read as" male. On one hand, the term "passing" might seem to be a great goal from an outside perspective- you transition, and then you assimilate into cis-society. Sounds good right?
Yeah, I guess. But. here's the thing about being semi-stealth. I am in a new closet all over again.
I have been transitioning for 7 years and I still do not look my age. This is because I am transgender. I don't have the facial hair normal for a cis guy my age, or the body mass distribution standard for someone my age. I don't know that I will ever look like a CIS guy that is my age. I don't know. People mention how young I look all the time, and I know WHY I look how I look, but I do not want to out myself to every random person that comments on it- 1- its not safe, and 2- its personal. If I tell people I'm trans I immediately (I know from experience, invite a lot of weird questions and comments).
So, I live a partial-stealth life- I do not keep my transgender history a secret, but I essentially never talk about it in public. At each place I work a few people know, but definitely the majority do not. And if I am being honest, I would feel hurt if the people who did know told other people. Not because I am ashamed of being transgender, or embarrassed, but because the more people know, especially in a gym environment, the more unsafe it feels. I worked in one space where my co-workers would NOT let it go and I eventually quit, and even at the gym I work at now, when I was the manager there was a time when I was getting a lot of harassing phone calls saying awful things and calling me homophobic and transphobic slurs. It doesn't feel safe to be openly out sometimes, even here in Seattle.
So the idea of "passing" is complicated, because on one hand I am lucky that I am seen as male, because I am not misgendered by strangers any more (which took a massive toll on my mental health, and still does, when it happens)- I don't get weird looks or weird comments so much, and in general I feel safer moving about the world from WITHIN the binary.
Passing makes me feel good for being seen as the man that I am, it gives me gender euphoria- it can be really validating for people finally to recognize me the way I want to be seen. And it helps me feel a bit safer, knowing my transness (can it just be a word already?) is not on full display to everyone.
BUT- not being able to be open about being trans just makes you feel like you are back in a different closet- Hiding who you are, having to monitor what you say, pretending, just a bit, to be something you aren't ( a cisgender man) to keep yourself safe.
And thats the OPPOSITE reason I came out in the first place.
And then, of course, lots of transgender folks choose not to/ or are less able, for a myriad of different reasons, to blend into cis-normative society. Lots of trans folks can not, or don't want to "pass". Why should we have to fit into cis society? For what? Also, as I was said above, it can feel like I am pretending to be something I am not- CIS- and why would I want to do that. I am not cis. I don't fit into that box. Why would I want to try? I shouldn't have to and I don't want to.
I "pass', because of choices I made to have surgery and take HRT, and the way I choose to dress, but not everyone WANTS to do those things, or SHOULD do those things. That doesn't make their gender any less valid. In the same way that cisgender women don't need to wear makeup or dresses, trans women don't have to do those things either. Trans people feel an enormous amount of pressure to fit into the Gender Binary- to "pass", when in truth everyone lives within the spectrum of gender presentation in some way. Some men have long hair. Some men wear skirts or makeup. Some women do all the household maintanence. These things are just ways that we perform gender. It's all a spectrum, and we live somewhere on it and it changes throughout our life from day to day and place to place.
If you think you see someone who is transgender, the truth is- YOU HAVE NO IDEA. You honestly do not know if they are or not. There are, and always have been, many cis-women with what-are-perceived-as-masculine features or height, and cis-men with high voices or other things that people perceive to be associated with transness (again that word!). I even know trans men who have approached cis-men assuming they were trans only to find out they were just guys who were short with high voices and smaller hands. Its not OK to make assumptions about people in any direction!
This is really dangerous for SO MANY REASONS. One, we- trans or cis people- should not be making assumptions about anyone's gender history or identity. We know these issues disproportionately affect queer people of color, especially trans women of color, and we can not ignore the intersection of Transphobia, mysogyny and racism historically or in the present climate.
It is an understatement to say that we are seeing a huge rise in anti-trans legislation in the US and UK. All of this is connected.
For more information about things you can do and learn- please check out-
The Marsha P Johnson Institute
Copyright © Alex Rosenblum. All rights reserved.